Moment of Truth Friday, July 19, 2002: I know I am nothing in the grand scheme of things. I am but one man in a world of men. And not even a very good man. The pang of loneliness is all that I feel these days. But in a strange way its different from the loneliness I felt before. Now that I have finally accepted the fact that I will never find that best friend who will be there for me, I have this peace inside of me. It’s a peace that I’ve never felt before and honestly it feels reassuring. Basically what I’m saying is, “ I see the truth now for what it is and not what I want it to be; I can finally start living my life according to it instead of to some fantasy I conjured up.” But the peace has a touch of sadness. It’s almost as if I’ve accepted that I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life and a cloud of gloom overshadows that fact. At least before I had hope that one day I might find that best friend. But now even that hope is gone. Gone forever. Dreams die-hard. It took nearly half a year to kill my dream. You know I used to have the notion that dreams die fast. Ex. In movies you always see the protagonist’s dream get killed in one swift event, like his wife leaving him on the altar or some other ill instance like that. In one moment the dream is gone. There is no time for the pain to sink in; it just hits like a sucker punch to your stomach. For me the agony had well over half a year to grow in my heart and destroy me from within. I saw a dream die yesterday and I will see more dreams die tomorrow. The death of a dream. How do non-Christians handle it? I myself, being a Christian can’t even handle it well. I wallow in self-pity and constantly ponder what more I could have done to keep the dream alive and well. In reality there was nothing I could have done. It was a God ordained occurrence. One that I will never fully understand. One that hopefully I can fully accept one day. That will be a day of joy for me, a day of liberty. Freedom, that’s all I seek. Freedom from this world, freedom from people and most importantly, freedom from myself. Maybe even freedom from God. No...I don’t mean that. Freedom from God equals death. Now I do not know how to live life anymore. Before my existence was based almost wholly on pretense. Now that that pretense no longer exists I don’t know what to do. Almost everything I did before this, lets call it the “inside out” revelation, I did for the sake of furthering my dream of finding that friend. Now that the dream is dead, why do I need people at all? Why would I still seek that notorious human interaction, an interaction that at certain rare moments bring such joy, but sadly for the most part only bring disappointment and anger. Is that short time of elation worth the pain I feel the majority of the time. Shakespeare said, “It is better to love and lost then to have never loved at all.” Is that true? Many times I wonder the worth of doing these things: building friendships, seeking a spouse and raising children. All these things, which people put such faith, trust and hope, inevitably always result in disappointment. People depending on each other is just like the blind leading the blind. No one will always be there for you. No one will meet all your expectations let alone exceed them. No one will love you in the way you truly want to be loved. Not one person on this entire planet can provide these things for you. Not even one. If you believe that you will find that person who makes everything better then you’re a fool whose been blinded by your dreams. So then why do we continue to invest so much of ourselves in our relationships? Are there no other valuable ventures to put ourselves into? I don’t know the answer to that and I don’t think anyone does. Maybe the need for that warm interaction is so great in us humans that we are willing to endure the never-ending punishment because we ignorantly believe that the pain will eventually lead us into glory. The glory of at last finding that soul mate who will fill every need and what that we have. Too bad that person doesn’t exist and never will. I think that as we grow older we start to settle for less and less in life and also in people. I see that trend in my parents and it is exhibited even more so in my grandparents. We began to realize the truths I have just listed about relationships and therefore we lower our standards in order to not be hurt any further then we already are. It’s easier for the people around us to meet those sub-standards that we now view as our highest code of conduct. This still is not a perfect method of protecting ourselves because there will always be those people that cannot even meet our lowered expectations. What do we do then? Do we again sell our selves short in order to feel ok? When does this destructive cycle end? Does it ever end? I’m reminded of this quote as I end my journal. “Man has figured out everything except how to live. To that I say a hearty “ amen.” Goodnight and Godspeed. ( These are just thoughts i have at the moment. they are not meant to be taken literally. they are neither true nor false, but rather they just are. please IM me (wonton55) and tell me your thoughts. i'm interested to see if people agree or disagree with me. later everyone. ) john // 2:23 AM ______________________
I know I am nothing in the grand scheme of things. I am but one man in a world of men. And not even a very good man. The pang of loneliness is all that I feel these days. But in a strange way its different from the loneliness I felt before. Now that I have finally accepted the fact that I will never find that best friend who will be there for me, I have this peace inside of me. It’s a peace that I’ve never felt before and honestly it feels reassuring. Basically what I’m saying is, “ I see the truth now for what it is and not what I want it to be; I can finally start living my life according to it instead of to some fantasy I conjured up.” But the peace has a touch of sadness. It’s almost as if I’ve accepted that I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life and a cloud of gloom overshadows that fact. At least before I had hope that one day I might find that best friend. But now even that hope is gone. Gone forever. Dreams die-hard. It took nearly half a year to kill my dream. You know I used to have the notion that dreams die fast. Ex. In movies you always see the protagonist’s dream get killed in one swift event, like his wife leaving him on the altar or some other ill instance like that. In one moment the dream is gone. There is no time for the pain to sink in; it just hits like a sucker punch to your stomach. For me the agony had well over half a year to grow in my heart and destroy me from within. I saw a dream die yesterday and I will see more dreams die tomorrow. The death of a dream. How do non-Christians handle it? I myself, being a Christian can’t even handle it well. I wallow in self-pity and constantly ponder what more I could have done to keep the dream alive and well. In reality there was nothing I could have done. It was a God ordained occurrence. One that I will never fully understand. One that hopefully I can fully accept one day. That will be a day of joy for me, a day of liberty. Freedom, that’s all I seek. Freedom from this world, freedom from people and most importantly, freedom from myself. Maybe even freedom from God. No...I don’t mean that. Freedom from God equals death. Now I do not know how to live life anymore. Before my existence was based almost wholly on pretense. Now that that pretense no longer exists I don’t know what to do. Almost everything I did before this, lets call it the “inside out” revelation, I did for the sake of furthering my dream of finding that friend. Now that the dream is dead, why do I need people at all? Why would I still seek that notorious human interaction, an interaction that at certain rare moments bring such joy, but sadly for the most part only bring disappointment and anger. Is that short time of elation worth the pain I feel the majority of the time. Shakespeare said, “It is better to love and lost then to have never loved at all.” Is that true? Many times I wonder the worth of doing these things: building friendships, seeking a spouse and raising children. All these things, which people put such faith, trust and hope, inevitably always result in disappointment. People depending on each other is just like the blind leading the blind. No one will always be there for you. No one will meet all your expectations let alone exceed them. No one will love you in the way you truly want to be loved. Not one person on this entire planet can provide these things for you. Not even one. If you believe that you will find that person who makes everything better then you’re a fool whose been blinded by your dreams. So then why do we continue to invest so much of ourselves in our relationships? Are there no other valuable ventures to put ourselves into? I don’t know the answer to that and I don’t think anyone does. Maybe the need for that warm interaction is so great in us humans that we are willing to endure the never-ending punishment because we ignorantly believe that the pain will eventually lead us into glory. The glory of at last finding that soul mate who will fill every need and what that we have. Too bad that person doesn’t exist and never will. I think that as we grow older we start to settle for less and less in life and also in people. I see that trend in my parents and it is exhibited even more so in my grandparents. We began to realize the truths I have just listed about relationships and therefore we lower our standards in order to not be hurt any further then we already are. It’s easier for the people around us to meet those sub-standards that we now view as our highest code of conduct. This still is not a perfect method of protecting ourselves because there will always be those people that cannot even meet our lowered expectations. What do we do then? Do we again sell our selves short in order to feel ok? When does this destructive cycle end? Does it ever end? I’m reminded of this quote as I end my journal. “Man has figured out everything except how to live. To that I say a hearty “ amen.” Goodnight and Godspeed. ( These are just thoughts i have at the moment. they are not meant to be taken literally. they are neither true nor false, but rather they just are. please IM me (wonton55) and tell me your thoughts. i'm interested to see if people agree or disagree with me. later everyone. ) john // 2:23 AM
