Moment of Truth Monday, April 07, 2003: from edina forgo's blog. pretty deep stuff. didn't expect this from a girl lik her. thought she was a bimbo...kinda..hah..i guess not. that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have that you can keep going, long after you think you can't that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel that either you control your attitude or it controls you that sometimes people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up that you shouldnt be so eager to find out a secret. it could change your life forever that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help john // 2:54 AM ______________________ Friday, July 19, 2002: I know I am nothing in the grand scheme of things. I am but one man in a world of men. And not even a very good man. The pang of loneliness is all that I feel these days. But in a strange way its different from the loneliness I felt before. Now that I have finally accepted the fact that I will never find that best friend who will be there for me, I have this peace inside of me. It’s a peace that I’ve never felt before and honestly it feels reassuring. Basically what I’m saying is, “ I see the truth now for what it is and not what I want it to be; I can finally start living my life according to it instead of to some fantasy I conjured up.” But the peace has a touch of sadness. It’s almost as if I’ve accepted that I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life and a cloud of gloom overshadows that fact. At least before I had hope that one day I might find that best friend. But now even that hope is gone. Gone forever. Dreams die-hard. It took nearly half a year to kill my dream. You know I used to have the notion that dreams die fast. Ex. In movies you always see the protagonist’s dream get killed in one swift event, like his wife leaving him on the altar or some other ill instance like that. In one moment the dream is gone. There is no time for the pain to sink in; it just hits like a sucker punch to your stomach. For me the agony had well over half a year to grow in my heart and destroy me from within. I saw a dream die yesterday and I will see more dreams die tomorrow. The death of a dream. How do non-Christians handle it? I myself, being a Christian can’t even handle it well. I wallow in self-pity and constantly ponder what more I could have done to keep the dream alive and well. In reality there was nothing I could have done. It was a God ordained occurrence. One that I will never fully understand. One that hopefully I can fully accept one day. That will be a day of joy for me, a day of liberty. Freedom, that’s all I seek. Freedom from this world, freedom from people and most importantly, freedom from myself. Maybe even freedom from God. No...I don’t mean that. Freedom from God equals death. Now I do not know how to live life anymore. Before my existence was based almost wholly on pretense. Now that that pretense no longer exists I don’t know what to do. Almost everything I did before this, lets call it the “inside out” revelation, I did for the sake of furthering my dream of finding that friend. Now that the dream is dead, why do I need people at all? Why would I still seek that notorious human interaction, an interaction that at certain rare moments bring such joy, but sadly for the most part only bring disappointment and anger. Is that short time of elation worth the pain I feel the majority of the time. Shakespeare said, “It is better to love and lost then to have never loved at all.” Is that true? Many times I wonder the worth of doing these things: building friendships, seeking a spouse and raising children. All these things, which people put such faith, trust and hope, inevitably always result in disappointment. People depending on each other is just like the blind leading the blind. No one will always be there for you. No one will meet all your expectations let alone exceed them. No one will love you in the way you truly want to be loved. Not one person on this entire planet can provide these things for you. Not even one. If you believe that you will find that person who makes everything better then you’re a fool whose been blinded by your dreams. So then why do we continue to invest so much of ourselves in our relationships? Are there no other valuable ventures to put ourselves into? I don’t know the answer to that and I don’t think anyone does. Maybe the need for that warm interaction is so great in us humans that we are willing to endure the never-ending punishment because we ignorantly believe that the pain will eventually lead us into glory. The glory of at last finding that soul mate who will fill every need and what that we have. Too bad that person doesn’t exist and never will. I think that as we grow older we start to settle for less and less in life and also in people. I see that trend in my parents and it is exhibited even more so in my grandparents. We began to realize the truths I have just listed about relationships and therefore we lower our standards in order to not be hurt any further then we already are. It’s easier for the people around us to meet those sub-standards that we now view as our highest code of conduct. This still is not a perfect method of protecting ourselves because there will always be those people that cannot even meet our lowered expectations. What do we do then? Do we again sell our selves short in order to feel ok? When does this destructive cycle end? Does it ever end? I’m reminded of this quote as I end my journal. “Man has figured out everything except how to live. To that I say a hearty “ amen.” Goodnight and Godspeed. ( These are just thoughts i have at the moment. they are not meant to be taken literally. they are neither true nor false, but rather they just are. please IM me (wonton55) and tell me your thoughts. i'm interested to see if people agree or disagree with me. later everyone. ) john // 2:23 AM ______________________ Thursday, July 11, 2002: From Shaoschit's profile.. SO4SMILE: reality is something you rise above courage is a special kind of knowledge its the knowledge of how to fear what should be feared and how not to fear what should not be feared a brave mind is always impregnable true courage is the result of reasoning you're more important than your problems you're bigger than anything that can happen to you great things are accomplished when you believe that what's inside of you is superiour to your circumstances what you have outside you counts less than what you have inside you nothing external to you has power over you "you can either eat the lunch or be the lunch. which would you rather be?" - pon su john // 1:53 AM ______________________ Friday, June 14, 2002: crap i haven't posted in such a long time. so much crap has happened. where should i began? um...i guess i should start with the last few weeks events. well the cheating scandal with mr. howell has blown over. he was just bluffing the entire time. he didn't have any evidence of anyone cheating and he didn't even find out who stole the floppy disk with the tests. i still wonder why he thought i cheated...oh well. oh also this week i discovered that i lost my chance for an A in precalc. now the highest gpa that i can get is 3.66 i think, but He is still good. im not fretting or anything. hopefully i can get an A in chinese and get a 3.66. oh something hella funny happened in bio. evan lai was looking at his bacteria with a microscope and when he got up the power cord got caught on his shoe and it fell to the ground. the top of the microscope broke in half and the lense got cracked. now he has to pay 1000 bucks and is hella jacked. mr. howell hates his guts haha ...oh and his bacteria got stolen too. ha.. sucka ...nah j/k. oh hella tyte one of my quote is in the year book. the question was what are dreams and i answered by saying " i have no dreams cuz i get no sleep" aite i gotta bounce and do my eng project..its gonna be dope. aite ill update more crap later. bye foos john // 2:54 PM ______________________ Sunday, June 02, 2002: i took the math 2c sat and bio sat2 this saturday. man, math was hella harder then i expected, but bio was actually not that bad considering i didn't really study for it. its all good though...i guess ill just take sats next year. i just got the Kirk Franklin Rebirth CD and its hella good. man all the songs really speak the truth about life and God. Good stuff. I never thought that i would like gospel music, but his music has a universal appeal. Even an azn guy can like it. aite...not much more to say..i got to update this more. later john // 2:08 PM ______________________ Thursday, May 23, 2002: This is my college personal statement. IM me and tell me what u think. (wonton55)I haven't turned it in yet so....oh and thanks to my chinese dawg (and numerous other ppl) for helping me with this...i owe u a big one. A Math Lesson About Life Ever since the 7th grade I have gone to a math tutor named Mr. Ou. The second I walked into his classroom I knew his tutoring service was going to be unlike any other. Not only did he teach me how to solve linear equations, but he also revealed to me just how much a caring teacher can change a pupil's life. The first day I went to Mr. Ou's tutoring service, he started by giving me a lecture on how to do anything correctly. "Mind-set", he said, " is the most important thing for doing anything in life, not just math. Once you have the appropriate mindset, you’ll be set in accomplishing any task…there will be nothing to stop you." Though I truly believed his words, I did not think establishing such a mindset was possible for me. As I spent more time with Mr. Ou, however, I slowly began to put his wisdom to practice. In my junior year I had a revelation: Mr. Ou was right. It was not about having the brains, it was understanding—knowing—that I was capable of attaining whatever goal I aspired to achieve. Finally realizing I did have the requisite knowledge, motivation, and skills, I set out to prove I could succeed. Everything clicked together for me. My self-esteem had been steadily improving since junior high, but in my junior year I at last crucified my notions of inferiority. I earned a 4.00 GPA that year. I learned a lot more than math at Mr. Ou's-I learned the definition of a moral human being. One lesson that I will never forget is the story of his robbing, which best characterizes his noble nature and selfless lifestyle. One day while in his car, a man came up to Mr. Ou with a knife and demanded all his money. Mr. Ou immediately gave the man all the cash he had, but also gave him his phone number, address, and name, asking the robber to call if he needed anything. The robber phoned the following week in tears and he told Mr. Ou how his act of kindness had completely changed him; he was now going to try to live a righteous life. When I heard this story I thought, "What kind of person could be so loving to a stranger who had just threatened to kill him?" Then as I grew to know Mr. Ou even more, I saw that he was exactly that kind of person. He drives cancer patients to the hospital on weekends and tutors children for free when their parents can't afford to pay. I try to be worthy of his example, teaching Sunday school at my church, helping out at the local hospital on the weekends, and trying to be there for anyone that needs me - no matter how busy I am. Mr. Ou truly inspires me to do good, when he exerts himself with such genuine passion and enthusiasm. Although I don’t think I can ever be the man Mr. Ou is, I do know that my mindset has been changed, thanks to him. I finally understand what is perhaps the simplest lesson Mr. Ou had to teach me: Love saves, love redeems, and it deserves to be given as much as it is received. When I first met Mr. Ou, I was a boy seeking only mathematical information. I left him as a man touched by his extraordinary example. The kind of person he is, a selfless, intelligent, and altruistic, is what I endeavor to become. john // 10:01 PM ______________________ so today i had a small group meeting with brent, matt and albert. man it went really well. we were all really honest with each other about the problems in the youth group. i feel that there is gonna be a change at 3rd home soon. u know i still can't believe im gonna be leading small groups this friday night with nate. it just seems crazy that God would use someone as sinful as me to do some good at church. I hope it all goes ok....actually i know it will, for He is with me. A pretty interesting thing happened to me today. mr. howell, my bio teacher accused me of doing some illict activities in the classroom. at the beginning of the period he gave this whole speech on how he has already caught the trouble makers and that they are gonna get punished. then after class he pulled me and evan lai aside and told us to expect to have a long serious conversation with him soon. when i asked him what i did all he said was " u know" and then when i said "i didn't know", he replied, "Don't play innocent with me." Oh well....i guess tomorrow i will find out what i did. i know i haven't done anything wrong so im not scared. the truth will come out and set me free. even if he does punish me inside i know that i have told the truth. aite..im gonna go do hw...later (On a side note: Has anyone noticed that all chinese teachers talk like yoda? they always have their sentence clauses reversed or messed up, just like the jedi master) john // 6:14 PM ______________________ Wednesday, May 22, 2002: Actions have reactions Don't be quick to judge You may not know the hardships People don't speak up It's best to step back And observe with couth For we all must meet our moment of truth Sometimes you gotta dig deep, when problems come near Don't fear things get severe for everybody everywhere Why do bad things happen, to good people? Seems that life is just a constant war between good and evil The situation that I'm facin, is mad amazin to think such problems can arise from minor confrontations Now I'm contemplatin in my bedroom pacin Dark clouds over my head, my heart's racin Suicide? Nah, I'm not a foolish guy Don't even feel like drinking, or even gettin high Cause all that's gonna do really, is accelerate the anxieties that I wish I could alleviate But wait, I've been through a whole lot of other sh*t, before So I oughta be able, to withstand some more But I'm sweatin though, my eyes are turnin red and yo I'm ready to lose my mind but instead I use my mind I put down the knife, and take the bullets out my nine My only crime, was that I'm too damn kind And now some skanless motherf*ckers wanna take what's mine But they can't take the respect, that I've earned in my lifetime And you know they'll never stop the furious force of my rhymes So like they say, every dog has it's day And like they say, God works in a mysterious way So I pray, remembering the days of my youth As I prepare to meet my moment of truth MOMENT OF TRUTH-GANG STARR john // 8:05 PM ______________________ So i just changed my template from girly baby blue to manly navy blue.. hope it looks aite. john // 7:56 PM ______________________ Wow, this is my first time using this thing. Lets see if this works john // 7:52 PM ______________________
from edina forgo's blog. pretty deep stuff. didn't expect this from a girl lik her. thought she was a bimbo...kinda..hah..i guess not. that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have that you can keep going, long after you think you can't that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel that either you control your attitude or it controls you that sometimes people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up that you shouldnt be so eager to find out a secret. it could change your life forever that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help john // 2:54 AM
I know I am nothing in the grand scheme of things. I am but one man in a world of men. And not even a very good man. The pang of loneliness is all that I feel these days. But in a strange way its different from the loneliness I felt before. Now that I have finally accepted the fact that I will never find that best friend who will be there for me, I have this peace inside of me. It’s a peace that I’ve never felt before and honestly it feels reassuring. Basically what I’m saying is, “ I see the truth now for what it is and not what I want it to be; I can finally start living my life according to it instead of to some fantasy I conjured up.” But the peace has a touch of sadness. It’s almost as if I’ve accepted that I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life and a cloud of gloom overshadows that fact. At least before I had hope that one day I might find that best friend. But now even that hope is gone. Gone forever. Dreams die-hard. It took nearly half a year to kill my dream. You know I used to have the notion that dreams die fast. Ex. In movies you always see the protagonist’s dream get killed in one swift event, like his wife leaving him on the altar or some other ill instance like that. In one moment the dream is gone. There is no time for the pain to sink in; it just hits like a sucker punch to your stomach. For me the agony had well over half a year to grow in my heart and destroy me from within. I saw a dream die yesterday and I will see more dreams die tomorrow. The death of a dream. How do non-Christians handle it? I myself, being a Christian can’t even handle it well. I wallow in self-pity and constantly ponder what more I could have done to keep the dream alive and well. In reality there was nothing I could have done. It was a God ordained occurrence. One that I will never fully understand. One that hopefully I can fully accept one day. That will be a day of joy for me, a day of liberty. Freedom, that’s all I seek. Freedom from this world, freedom from people and most importantly, freedom from myself. Maybe even freedom from God. No...I don’t mean that. Freedom from God equals death. Now I do not know how to live life anymore. Before my existence was based almost wholly on pretense. Now that that pretense no longer exists I don’t know what to do. Almost everything I did before this, lets call it the “inside out” revelation, I did for the sake of furthering my dream of finding that friend. Now that the dream is dead, why do I need people at all? Why would I still seek that notorious human interaction, an interaction that at certain rare moments bring such joy, but sadly for the most part only bring disappointment and anger. Is that short time of elation worth the pain I feel the majority of the time. Shakespeare said, “It is better to love and lost then to have never loved at all.” Is that true? Many times I wonder the worth of doing these things: building friendships, seeking a spouse and raising children. All these things, which people put such faith, trust and hope, inevitably always result in disappointment. People depending on each other is just like the blind leading the blind. No one will always be there for you. No one will meet all your expectations let alone exceed them. No one will love you in the way you truly want to be loved. Not one person on this entire planet can provide these things for you. Not even one. If you believe that you will find that person who makes everything better then you’re a fool whose been blinded by your dreams. So then why do we continue to invest so much of ourselves in our relationships? Are there no other valuable ventures to put ourselves into? I don’t know the answer to that and I don’t think anyone does. Maybe the need for that warm interaction is so great in us humans that we are willing to endure the never-ending punishment because we ignorantly believe that the pain will eventually lead us into glory. The glory of at last finding that soul mate who will fill every need and what that we have. Too bad that person doesn’t exist and never will. I think that as we grow older we start to settle for less and less in life and also in people. I see that trend in my parents and it is exhibited even more so in my grandparents. We began to realize the truths I have just listed about relationships and therefore we lower our standards in order to not be hurt any further then we already are. It’s easier for the people around us to meet those sub-standards that we now view as our highest code of conduct. This still is not a perfect method of protecting ourselves because there will always be those people that cannot even meet our lowered expectations. What do we do then? Do we again sell our selves short in order to feel ok? When does this destructive cycle end? Does it ever end? I’m reminded of this quote as I end my journal. “Man has figured out everything except how to live. To that I say a hearty “ amen.” Goodnight and Godspeed. ( These are just thoughts i have at the moment. they are not meant to be taken literally. they are neither true nor false, but rather they just are. please IM me (wonton55) and tell me your thoughts. i'm interested to see if people agree or disagree with me. later everyone. ) john // 2:23 AM
From Shaoschit's profile.. SO4SMILE: reality is something you rise above courage is a special kind of knowledge its the knowledge of how to fear what should be feared and how not to fear what should not be feared a brave mind is always impregnable true courage is the result of reasoning you're more important than your problems you're bigger than anything that can happen to you great things are accomplished when you believe that what's inside of you is superiour to your circumstances what you have outside you counts less than what you have inside you nothing external to you has power over you "you can either eat the lunch or be the lunch. which would you rather be?" - pon su john // 1:53 AM
crap i haven't posted in such a long time. so much crap has happened. where should i began? um...i guess i should start with the last few weeks events. well the cheating scandal with mr. howell has blown over. he was just bluffing the entire time. he didn't have any evidence of anyone cheating and he didn't even find out who stole the floppy disk with the tests. i still wonder why he thought i cheated...oh well. oh also this week i discovered that i lost my chance for an A in precalc. now the highest gpa that i can get is 3.66 i think, but He is still good. im not fretting or anything. hopefully i can get an A in chinese and get a 3.66. oh something hella funny happened in bio. evan lai was looking at his bacteria with a microscope and when he got up the power cord got caught on his shoe and it fell to the ground. the top of the microscope broke in half and the lense got cracked. now he has to pay 1000 bucks and is hella jacked. mr. howell hates his guts haha ...oh and his bacteria got stolen too. ha.. sucka ...nah j/k. oh hella tyte one of my quote is in the year book. the question was what are dreams and i answered by saying " i have no dreams cuz i get no sleep" aite i gotta bounce and do my eng project..its gonna be dope. aite ill update more crap later. bye foos john // 2:54 PM
i took the math 2c sat and bio sat2 this saturday. man, math was hella harder then i expected, but bio was actually not that bad considering i didn't really study for it. its all good though...i guess ill just take sats next year. i just got the Kirk Franklin Rebirth CD and its hella good. man all the songs really speak the truth about life and God. Good stuff. I never thought that i would like gospel music, but his music has a universal appeal. Even an azn guy can like it. aite...not much more to say..i got to update this more. later john // 2:08 PM
This is my college personal statement. IM me and tell me what u think. (wonton55)I haven't turned it in yet so....oh and thanks to my chinese dawg (and numerous other ppl) for helping me with this...i owe u a big one. A Math Lesson About Life Ever since the 7th grade I have gone to a math tutor named Mr. Ou. The second I walked into his classroom I knew his tutoring service was going to be unlike any other. Not only did he teach me how to solve linear equations, but he also revealed to me just how much a caring teacher can change a pupil's life. The first day I went to Mr. Ou's tutoring service, he started by giving me a lecture on how to do anything correctly. "Mind-set", he said, " is the most important thing for doing anything in life, not just math. Once you have the appropriate mindset, you’ll be set in accomplishing any task…there will be nothing to stop you." Though I truly believed his words, I did not think establishing such a mindset was possible for me. As I spent more time with Mr. Ou, however, I slowly began to put his wisdom to practice. In my junior year I had a revelation: Mr. Ou was right. It was not about having the brains, it was understanding—knowing—that I was capable of attaining whatever goal I aspired to achieve. Finally realizing I did have the requisite knowledge, motivation, and skills, I set out to prove I could succeed. Everything clicked together for me. My self-esteem had been steadily improving since junior high, but in my junior year I at last crucified my notions of inferiority. I earned a 4.00 GPA that year. I learned a lot more than math at Mr. Ou's-I learned the definition of a moral human being. One lesson that I will never forget is the story of his robbing, which best characterizes his noble nature and selfless lifestyle. One day while in his car, a man came up to Mr. Ou with a knife and demanded all his money. Mr. Ou immediately gave the man all the cash he had, but also gave him his phone number, address, and name, asking the robber to call if he needed anything. The robber phoned the following week in tears and he told Mr. Ou how his act of kindness had completely changed him; he was now going to try to live a righteous life. When I heard this story I thought, "What kind of person could be so loving to a stranger who had just threatened to kill him?" Then as I grew to know Mr. Ou even more, I saw that he was exactly that kind of person. He drives cancer patients to the hospital on weekends and tutors children for free when their parents can't afford to pay. I try to be worthy of his example, teaching Sunday school at my church, helping out at the local hospital on the weekends, and trying to be there for anyone that needs me - no matter how busy I am. Mr. Ou truly inspires me to do good, when he exerts himself with such genuine passion and enthusiasm. Although I don’t think I can ever be the man Mr. Ou is, I do know that my mindset has been changed, thanks to him. I finally understand what is perhaps the simplest lesson Mr. Ou had to teach me: Love saves, love redeems, and it deserves to be given as much as it is received. When I first met Mr. Ou, I was a boy seeking only mathematical information. I left him as a man touched by his extraordinary example. The kind of person he is, a selfless, intelligent, and altruistic, is what I endeavor to become. john // 10:01 PM
so today i had a small group meeting with brent, matt and albert. man it went really well. we were all really honest with each other about the problems in the youth group. i feel that there is gonna be a change at 3rd home soon. u know i still can't believe im gonna be leading small groups this friday night with nate. it just seems crazy that God would use someone as sinful as me to do some good at church. I hope it all goes ok....actually i know it will, for He is with me. A pretty interesting thing happened to me today. mr. howell, my bio teacher accused me of doing some illict activities in the classroom. at the beginning of the period he gave this whole speech on how he has already caught the trouble makers and that they are gonna get punished. then after class he pulled me and evan lai aside and told us to expect to have a long serious conversation with him soon. when i asked him what i did all he said was " u know" and then when i said "i didn't know", he replied, "Don't play innocent with me." Oh well....i guess tomorrow i will find out what i did. i know i haven't done anything wrong so im not scared. the truth will come out and set me free. even if he does punish me inside i know that i have told the truth. aite..im gonna go do hw...later (On a side note: Has anyone noticed that all chinese teachers talk like yoda? they always have their sentence clauses reversed or messed up, just like the jedi master) john // 6:14 PM
Actions have reactions Don't be quick to judge You may not know the hardships People don't speak up It's best to step back And observe with couth For we all must meet our moment of truth Sometimes you gotta dig deep, when problems come near Don't fear things get severe for everybody everywhere Why do bad things happen, to good people? Seems that life is just a constant war between good and evil The situation that I'm facin, is mad amazin to think such problems can arise from minor confrontations Now I'm contemplatin in my bedroom pacin Dark clouds over my head, my heart's racin Suicide? Nah, I'm not a foolish guy Don't even feel like drinking, or even gettin high Cause all that's gonna do really, is accelerate the anxieties that I wish I could alleviate But wait, I've been through a whole lot of other sh*t, before So I oughta be able, to withstand some more But I'm sweatin though, my eyes are turnin red and yo I'm ready to lose my mind but instead I use my mind I put down the knife, and take the bullets out my nine My only crime, was that I'm too damn kind And now some skanless motherf*ckers wanna take what's mine But they can't take the respect, that I've earned in my lifetime And you know they'll never stop the furious force of my rhymes So like they say, every dog has it's day And like they say, God works in a mysterious way So I pray, remembering the days of my youth As I prepare to meet my moment of truth MOMENT OF TRUTH-GANG STARR john // 8:05 PM
So i just changed my template from girly baby blue to manly navy blue.. hope it looks aite. john // 7:56 PM
Wow, this is my first time using this thing. Lets see if this works john // 7:52 PM
